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Add my other journal [Sunday
10.30.05
]
Since most of you dont post anyway.... if you want me still on your friends list you can add the journal I actually write in <333 singtomeloudly If you still want to be my friend leave me a comment there<3

Shocker lol [Wednesday
2.9.05
]
You Are Belle!

Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.

The dance.... [Sunday
12.12.04
]
Ok this is going to be a long entry so brace ur selves.....

The dance was on friday in school I was saying O im not coming blah blah blah but really I was going to lol. Whell in school all i could do was think about the dance and all that good stuff. I went home with Heidi on her bus and had fun laughing and saying I wasnt going ;D When me and heidi got back to her house we were bracing our selves for how much time we had to get ready for the dance. We relaxed and then it was hair time. Me and heidi were both curling our hair and 4 heidi it wasnt working so she straitend it. I was curling it but because of the weather it was coming un done so last minute I straightend it to the best of my ability. Then we had pizza "sicilian" in fact which is our favotite lol. Then we finished getting ready took some pictures "ham" lol and we were off to the dance. When we got there we had to give our ID cards and then it was all good lol. ME and heidi found a table and sat our stuff down and went to find people. We found Brianna and Cass and all those people. We walked out side and rite away people knew it was me and heidi. We were ready to dance and that we did we had so much fun it was a great night. Then Schuyler walked in and all the girls start freeking out like they did with Ivan it was crazy. Me and heidi and all them continued dancing and having fun. He kept looking at me and w/e but I dint care. He was all over like every girl it was kind of rididculous but moving on. Me and Heidi would go to the B-rrom 4 hair checks and stuff like that and then it was off to dance again. Ok back to what I was saying we were dacing blah blah blah and I was talking to ilana about how ridiculous it was and all that and alot of people agreed but w.e Then we get to the good part. Elle now has a b/f a kid i usto like but i am sooooooo happy for her... woo hoo then angel walks out and says schuylers going to ask rach out and i was calm and colected. Me ilana, tara, amanda and all them were talking and every one knows how much i love schuyler and would do anything to be with him. And how he makes me feel like ive never felt be 4 and being around him is the best feeling ever. And how I get butterflys every time I see him and this feeling I never want to loose whell yea theres so much more to say and im to tierd to write it. Whell he slow danced with rach and I was sitting there trying not to get up set and i contained my self then i went to cass and hugged her and started crying. Not because they were gonna be going out just becasue of how much he meens to me and i was going to loose him again. "previously" i told ilana online that i dint want to go and all that and she said watch schuyler comes from the other side of the room and asks u to dance" im like yea right in my dreams!! And then it was like 20 mins before we go and it was the last slow dance i see schuyler kinda danceing with Katelynn and i was packing up my stuff and I see schuyler walk over my heart drops and I stood really still. He says fay will u dance with me?? and i said why I thought u didnt like me and he said Fay i really do like you and i stood there looking at him and people dancing and Briannas like Fay go dance with him so i walked out and he followed and we started to slow dance my head was on his sholder and his hands were around me and for that moment I had never felt safer then when I was in his arms. For that moment I felt like my world stoped and me and him were the only ones in the room. For that moment It felt like everything was fine and that i would never leave him again. Whell if only that moment could have lasted for ever.....After the song was over it went to some latin song and he looked at me and i for the first time looked into his eyes and knew that that was were i was ment to be..... We talked and I told him how i thought he hated me and he said how he wondered how i could ever think that and all he did was like me and we said some more things and he pulled me back in and hugged me again for like ever....And i never wanted to let go i felt my world come together and every part of me belonged to him.....I loved him more in that moment then Id ever loved anything in my whole entire life. For that moment I thought i deserved him that i belonged there that everything i felt was real. Then i pulled away looked in his eyes and got my stuff to leave. Ilana walked over to me and said how we looked amazing together and all this stuff and how she thought he finally relized how much I loved him... Whell we were ready to leave he said good bye to me and we left... I got home with Heidi and we went online and I talked to ilana and she said all this stuff that i knew was true about how she pridicted that he would dance with me for the last dance... and how it came true. I was so happy i went to bed a relived that moment over and over in my head. Then moring came went to viset my step dads parents grave and then went to see my grandma and grandpa I couldnt help but cry at my grandma. She was crying to I love her soooo much and I wish she was better. After leaveing them we went home and i kept thinking about him and my first slow dance ever was with the love of my life...then my world crashed down. I heard that he only danced with me because rach told him to because she felt bad 4 me. I lost it I broke into tear and couldnt breath. I imed Erinn and said so why did her dance with me and her answer was pritty much the same Rach felt bad and said 4 him to dance with me. I coulnt breath i was hysterical and I felt like i wanted to die. I dint know what to do who to be angry with or how to feel. All i could do was cry I cryed for ever it seemd. I kept replaying him dancing holding on to me and how i felt in my head and i would cry harder. I was shaking and talking to ilana and telling her how im leaving PAA and how im a joke and can neevr come to that school again. She called him and he said that everything he said to me was true that he wanted to dance with me and that rach told him to but he wanted to any way. And all that crap and i was still crying. I wanted to stop living i wanted to rewind time and go back to that song and never let him go > I relized how i dont deserve some one like him im ugly and fat and he would never like someone like me. There was so much going on in my head that i couldnt think about one thing for one second i just wanted to die leave everything behind and die. And how my fisty=t slow dance with some one who meens the world to me was just a "pity" dance and nothing more. I cryed and cryed and looked at my self and relized that I was nothing and that everything he said was a lie and then i went to sleep. My mind was so off track and i went to bed barly able to breath thinking baout how much I love him and how much i dont want to loose him but how much he hurt me and how much I loved him..... That night was the worst and that was the worse thing Ive ever went thru. I love him more than life its self and I never want to loose him but I cant cry over him any more. I meen ive never felt this way bout sum oen in my entire life and I dont want to loose that feeling but i just dont know....Whell this morning I got this email....I said hun good news...

*******well nora just called me back and she was with rach.. so i talked to her..

and rachel said so herself, that she did tell schuyler.. but he told her he
was going to ask you anyway be4 she even said anything. so its good.. ok please be
okay.. and what he said was the truth to u and stuff.. so dont be upset! and
rach was not lying at all.. she wanted him to dance with u cuz she felt so
sad that u were upset.. and she said she didnt wanna see u cry.

k i love you. ilana*******



And thats where its at now every one thought he loved me and I wish I never let him go its just going to be hard.. I took me long enough to get over him and then erinn and him broke up and I fell back in love with him again. Ive been in love with him since Back to school night and every ones knows how much I love him and how he is the one for me and I know it its just time for me to say good bye I guess.......I love him with every part of me and i dont want to let him go I want to belive that he really did want to dance with me but i just dont know. If all of u only knew how i felt when I was in his arms you would understand....

Final thought....When i was dancing with him u just have no idea how i felt when i was in his arms and i cant even explain it all in words. In that moment i just knew i was met 4 him....

Yea but we were slow dancing and my head was by his heart and i could hear his heart beating and i knew that i was were i was ment to be and that this was for real and not a dream...I just wish he knew how much he meens to me. And everyone says move on ur better than that im not im ment to be with him and i cant help it. For all of u my friends i am thankfull to have u guys I love you all....



Whell my eyes still hurt and im going to lay down and think about things....

Love always,

Fay Alycia

[Wednesday
12.8.04
]


Cute huh? Too bad cant have it my oh so talented other half Heidi made it. :D Comment to be added.

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